Saturdays with Mom

I wish I could wake up everyday like I did yesterday.  I suppose it would be true to say that I could, it is a decision, but I’m not there yet.  I did the things that I knew would help, put on worship music and soaked in it.  Even tried smelling the Joy oil…  Sometimes, I dread my visits with mom.  When I walked in they said she had an upset stomach.  We went to her room, after about 50 kisses and got her sweater.  Watching her eat french fries is truly odd, she looks through the fries and tries to find 4 that are about the same size, she then tries to eat all four at once.  It is truly and experience to watch her eat.  When she picks up her whataburger, she carefully eat from one side to the other and makes sure it is a straight line, if not she nibbles the areas that aren’t in order to produce the straight line.  Today, I added the delectable apple pie to our order to see if she would eat that.  Carefully I broke it in half to let it cool off to make sure it didn’t burn her mouth, after I determined it was cool enough, I offered it to her.  She looked at it carefully before eating it leaving a straight line across.  She was looking down and I asked, Do you like it mom, as her face came up to meet mine, her eyes were as large as an owl’s in childlike delight of this new delicacy.  When we ventured back to her FTD home, we walked through the back yard twice and then went to her room.  She called me on her phone as is I wasn’t there and then we spoke for a minute and then she handed me the phone to converse with the person on the other end, which was me.  She did this twice today.  On to the living room to watch some Lone Ranger and Tonto, wow, was a blast from the past, as I remember watching that when I was growing up.  Next thing I know is she is up walking down the hallway and comes back with the nurse and says open the thing so she can.  Her sentences are only partial.  Yep, she was kicking me out.  I’m not sure why, but she decided that I needed to leave and so leave I did.

Let’s end today with a funny story from when mom first came to live with me, before she got so bad that a memory care unit became her home.

My son and I were watching the X-men movie where Jennifer Lawrence is playing the blue super hero.  My mom hears the movie playing and comes downstairs.  She stands there watching for a few minutes and then starts to exclaim,  “Oh my gosh, I have never seen a blue person in this city, I have never seen a blue person in this country, I have never seen a blue person in the whole world.”  I know it is sad, but my son and I couldn’t help laughing, she truly thought that since this was on TV, it was real and there were blue people in the world now.

The same thing happened when we were watching Jurassic Park. The the T-Rex came on screen, she said “Oh my, where is that.  I have never seen an animal like that, where is it.  Is it near hear?”  We tried to explain that it was just a movie, but her mind was damaged and just couldn’t comprehend that.  Again, it is sad, but sometimes laughter is what gets me through.  It is a funny memory to me.

No work Friday

Wow, I have the day off today and when I woke up, I was truly happy.  There was a joy deep inside as I stretched to welcome the day.  Happy to be alive, happy to be loved by Jesus.  Happy.  I know it is how I should welcome each day, unfortunately life has a way of happening and not always how we wish it would.  I want to wake up with this joy everyday but for today I’m going to bask in this feeling and enjoy everything.

When the joy is in my heart, it is amazing how much more I accomplish through the day.  I started with a list of about 30 items, important tasks that needed to be done.  Ok, not exactly really important tasks but things I wanted to get done.  I finished about 27 of them and so tomorrow I will finish the last 3.  The happiness stayed with me through house cleaning, grocery shopping, browsing social media and even the call from my mom in which I had no idea what she was saying.  An added beautiful gift from the Lord today, Mom only called 2 times today instead of 10.  Yes, it was a gift and if you have ever had to walk through frontal lobe dementia with someone, you definitely understand just how much of a gift it was.

The day is coming to an end, but the joy inside of me is continuing.  I am so in awe of just how gracious God is.  He truly knows what we need and when we think we have nothing left, a day like today happens and He renews my strength.  We are created to give, to care for others, but through the fall, we want to be selfish and have what we want when we want it.  The feelings of giving are truly more satisfying but God knows when we need a day of His joy raining down on us and infusing each cell with His love.  He lovingly loves us so that we can go on another day and give as Jesus gave.

I am more blessed than I deserve and this joy has captivated my heart today.

FTD Frontal Lobe Dementia

Such a horrible disease.  As I walked into the group home where my mom now lives, she had the same facial expressions as she always has.  Her face seems stuck in one position, which is a facet of this brain destroying disease.  I arrive with a slice of pizza (her favorite) and an apple danish.  She eats the full slice of pizza and then we have to walk out the back door and stroll through the back yard arm in arm and wander back inside for the apple danish.  She continues to ask where we are going tonight and I try to explain that on Wednesday’s we don’t go anywhere but on Saturday, I will be back and we will go out to eat.  I can’t begin to understand how the brain which is so incredible can also be so destructive. As I gaze at my mother tonight, I notice how smooth her skin looks, she looks so young.  How can she be so sick and yet look so young.  I am without understanding as how this disease has stolen her life.  Yet I am comforted that she had many escapades during her early retirement years.  Traveling to California and the grand canyon, becoming involved in her local church and finding Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit even if she no longer remembers that, I am comforted by the fact that I know she is saved and will spend eternity with God and Jesus in Heaven.  As it began to rain tonight, she insisted that I leave.  She spent time walking through the house 3 times to find the workers who could open the door to let me out.  It’s like she still wanted to protect me even as her brain barely knew who I was.  It is such a troubling time as I struggle to understand who she was and who this disease has caged her into.  I love her and I hate this situation.  I try to make her smile and show her the honor that she deserves as my mother.  It is a difficult journey but I will persevere with Jesus as my guide.  His ways don’t always make sense to me but His ways are above my understanding and I will continue to walk this path and honor God and my mother.

Kneeling for the national anthem

I’m not sure the people kneeling even understand what they are doing.  The reasoning is skewed and quite possibly due to the large numbers of concussions these men are receiving (complete conjecture on my part in that thought)

We live in the best country in the entire world.  It may not be perfect but it is far and away better than all the rest of the countries.  Our country was built on the blood on our military.  We have a country today due to the sacrifices of men and women who fought for our rights.  If we aren’t proud to live in this country, go live elsewhere and when you come back, you will undoubtedly understand that the United States of America is truly the best place to live.  We have every opportunity here to succeed and be successful.  Anyone, even without and education, can obtain a job and over time prove themselves  based  on their work ethics and they will find themselves with increasing skills and salaries.  It starts with work ethics!

Our Flag, such a symbol of freedom.  The freedoms we have here are not found anywhere else.  Yes, we have freedom of speech and we should use it when needed, that doesn’t mean disrespecting our military, our flags or our anthem.   Going to work and deciding to use that as a platform, would undoubtedly get many of us fired.  If you want to protest, do it on your own time, not while you are at work.  Yes, NFL players have a job to do, they are employees.  They are paid to entertain Americans even if I feel it has become to violent of a game, many have historically enjoyed watching football and forgetting about life for a few hours while being entertained.  The pageantry of the beginning of the games is meaningful to the Americans who watch.  The beauty of the song which fills us with pride as we remember all those who have died to give us such a wonderful country.  The flag and military members who bring them out remind us of just how high a price was paid.  Everyday Americans are incredibly proud of the Flag, the National Anthem and we are fed up with millionaire paid athletes who have seemed to forget that they are paid to entertain us.  We don’t watch them to hear there tainted views on anything.  Play football and go home.  Your views have no value to us during a football game.  If you have to blog or protest or let the world know your views on something, anything, then do it on your own time.  If this keeps up, I believe they will be making a lot less money as many Americans have had enough and are walking away from watching sports which will affect the wallets of the owners and then the players will see their salaries fall.  Then you will realize that you are paid to entertain and that is all.  God Bless America and God Bless all of our troops

Sunday at C2 Cafe

Decided to get out of the house today and visit the coffee shop in the downtown area of the city I live in. I’m a firm believer of supporting businesses in the city you live in.  The caramel cafe latte was incredible and the ambiance of the place is quaint and quiet but I picked the quiet time to come on purpose so I could blog while enjoying the atmosphere. I visited Mom yesterday, as I usually do on Saturday’s. She gets worse each time I see her as new manifestations of her disease start showing. She asked me if I wanted her to get on my funeral. She meant car, when I said no, she told me to go. We had already gone for lunch at Whataburger. Today starts ftd awareness week so it seems fitting to write about mom and her disease. The human brain is amazing when it is operating the way it was meant to. When disease takes hold it is frustrating to see the malfunctions in people you love. Some days I wrestle with even answering her phone calls but as a believer in Christ , I am expected to honor my mom and dad so I do the best I can to honor, serve and love her.

Washington thinks everyday Americans are not intelligent

I am beginning to think that Washington D.C and the bureaucrats and elites that run the city truly believe that everyday Americans are too stupid to know what is best for them and therefore they need to make decisions for us based on their superior intelligence.  It only makes sense as they refuse to acknowledge that President Donald Trump was elected because we realize how self serving they are and they can’t bring themselves to accept that Americans are truly smart enough to understand what is needed.  I wonder if they have begun to trick our President into believing what they believe, that we average Americans aren’t smart enough to run our own lives.  What a pity as we average Americans are smarter then all of the politician’s in Washington DC.

Why do Rabbits make borrows in yards with dogs!

This afternoon, I was in my backyard with my dog and before I knew it she darted past me and grabbed something in her mouth, I could tell it was a live something and I screamed at her.  She dropped it, or rather let it go on an upward trajectory and as it came sprawling back to the ground with paws spread in all directions, I corralled my dog back into the house.  Back to the backyard with dread in my steps, I found three little bunnies.  Each one would fit in my hand.  They had fur and eyes wide open, probably in fear of their first encounter into the world.  I saw where the burrow was and wondered if they were old enough to be out.  They could hop but they are not fast as least not fast enough for a 37 pound dog who obviously doesn’t respect the life of baby bunnies.  I immediately sent out a note on next door neighbor but many hours later, I was received no guidance on how to help these baby bunnies.  On last check with flashlight, one bunny has itself nestled under the fence, one bunny is by a fence post and the bunny that my dog was teaching acrobatics to is between the fence and swing set, probably contemplating how it’s going to make it in this cruel word of dogs.  I don’t know if they will make it.  I hope the mommy rabbit comes back tonight and helps them.  Otherwise the bobcat that roams the neighborhood with her baby will probably have a light meal.  The cruel world on the circle of life.

Bannon – 60 minutes

Just a quick thought or two.  Bannon kept his cool as the interviewer tried desperately to throw him off balance in thoughts and words.  The interviewer was rude and showed no respect.  If you are interviewing someone, it seems to me that you should show professionalism and he showed none.  Bannon had some great one liners and they are all over twitter.  It was great!

Saturday’s with Mom

As I was driving to see Mom on Saturday, I realized how much I didn’t want to go this week.  Friday evening, as I pulled into my driveway, a man was up near my fence gate and garage door.  He started running as I turned into my driveway from the dark alley.  My first thought was not to be afraid, which in hindsight wasn’t too bright.  I rolled down my window and started yelling “Who are you, why are you here, stop” Then reason began to return and I rolled the window up and thought was he trying to break into my house, what should I do now?  The neighbor across the alley is a retired Army Major who fought in the Vietnam War.  I called him and asked if he thought I should call the police. He’s an awesome neighbor and one time when I locked myself out of my house, he helped me break in.  That is a story for another time.  He said to call the police.  I called and the police in my city are kind and quick and thorough.  They said wait in my car and a hero would be by shortly to go into the house first and make sure it was safe.  Now, I realize I should probably be nervous, my fence gate doesn’t lock and because we have had lots of rain lately, the door into the back yard doesn’t lock correctly.  Ah the treasures of home ownership.  My knight drove up and quickly and methodically went through my back yard and house and deemed it safe.  I’m from Texas so of course I have protection in the house but I don’t have concealed carry but that firearm was on my nightstand all night as I prayed I would never have to use it.  In the morning I was supposed to go to my support group for family of those with FTD but now I had to go to Home Depot and determine how best to make my domicile safer.  I found a padlock for the fence gate, a relatively simple fix to make me feel safer.  I also found a chain lock for the french doors leading to back yard.  Of course my cheap drill wasn’t charged and I had to wait for it to charge and then drill pilot holes and then the screws.  I’m getting better with the drill but still the little muscles in my arms are not what is needed to use this cheap drill.  But I did it and the 2 new locks are working and I feel safe once again.  When we go through trauma, it is good to pray for the spirit of trauma to go and I did that because I don’t want to feel scared in my own home.  Now that I’ve missed my support group, I decide I should go see Mom.  Her phone isn’t working so I know she forgot how to charge it again.  It was another visit of her wanting to go to my house and not understanding why I wouldn’t take her.  Last week she didn’t like the french fries so this week she said “I don’t want to go to fish, the clicks weren’t good”  Yes, I am proficient at FTD language and knew what she meant.  We went to Wendy’s.  She loved there fries but hated the hamburger.  I was too tired to care.  I got her a frosty and she did like that.  Then we went back and when I left she tried to get into my car and the staff had to help get her back inside the home.  Some days it is harder than others to honor my mom and today was one of those.  I’ll see her again Wednesday and hopefully by then I will be mentally, physically and spiritually ready.

Saturday’s with Mom

There is so much to write as I walk through this disease with my mom but it is so hard to write it.  I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to be mad at God.  My emotions go haywire during my calls and visits with her.  This week as I got mom in my car, I realized she was wet.  She had peed on herself and didn’t even care.  It took me 10 minutes to convince her to get out of my car and allow me to take her back inside to change her.  I think she was afraid we wouldn’t leave again and she wouldn’t get her cheeseburger.  When I got her inside, I was able to get her another pair of pants and I was able to convince her to put on a pull up.  Yes, it was up to me to convince my mom to put on a diaper.  I never thought this would be a season of my life.  I had to pull her pants down and pull one leg off at a time.  It was a painful process. Then I had to put the pull ups on one leg at a time and then finally her pants, one leg at a time.  I gave her wet pants to the staff and asked them to wash them.  When we were on the way to get mom her weekly cheeseburger, she looked at me and said “Thank you for help”.  Sometimes she understands a little, mostly she doesn’t.  Her sentences are more and more like “Is the click going red?” and I have to attempt to understand what she is saying.  Lately, I say, “I”m not sure”. As usual, on the way back to her home, she said “Shame on you” as she realized that I was taking her back.  She wants to come back to my house and she can’t.  Sometimes, she stands at the front door for 30 minutes trying to press buttons to open the front door and escape.  Sometimes she tells me go because she’s mad at me for not taking her and she kicks me out.  The worst is when she says go and as soon as they go to open the door for me to leave, she tries to escape.  Then I have to sneak out when she isn’t looking and the feelings I leave with are so overwhelming that I usually stop and buy wine on my way home.  It is a terrible disease for her as well as me.