There is so much to write as I walk through this disease with my mom but it is so hard to write it. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to be mad at God. My emotions go haywire during my calls and visits with her. This week as I got mom in my car, I realized she was wet. She had peed on herself and didn’t even care. It took me 10 minutes to convince her to get out of my car and allow me to take her back inside to change her. I think she was afraid we wouldn’t leave again and she wouldn’t get her cheeseburger. When I got her inside, I was able to get her another pair of pants and I was able to convince her to put on a pull up. Yes, it was up to me to convince my mom to put on a diaper. I never thought this would be a season of my life. I had to pull her pants down and pull one leg off at a time. It was a painful process. Then I had to put the pull ups on one leg at a time and then finally her pants, one leg at a time. I gave her wet pants to the staff and asked them to wash them. When we were on the way to get mom her weekly cheeseburger, she looked at me and said “Thank you for help”. Sometimes she understands a little, mostly she doesn’t. Her sentences are more and more like “Is the click going red?” and I have to attempt to understand what she is saying. Lately, I say, “I”m not sure”. As usual, on the way back to her home, she said “Shame on you” as she realized that I was taking her back. She wants to come back to my house and she can’t. Sometimes, she stands at the front door for 30 minutes trying to press buttons to open the front door and escape. Sometimes she tells me go because she’s mad at me for not taking her and she kicks me out. The worst is when she says go and as soon as they go to open the door for me to leave, she tries to escape. Then I have to sneak out when she isn’t looking and the feelings I leave with are so overwhelming that I usually stop and buy wine on my way home. It is a terrible disease for her as well as me.
Daca, a very controversial subject today. It is important to me to remember the emotional part of it and as I tend to look at it factually first. It seems that when Barack Obama put this executive order through it was unlawful from the beginning. The President doesn’t make laws, Congress does. Why didn’t Congress pass a law if they wanted this so badly. To hear Congress moan today about how unfair this is, you would think they don’t have the power to change laws. I read about DACA today and how it was for those 16 and under that came to the US. Seems to me that many were old enough to remember what is was like in their country and they would be fine going back to their home country. It is worth noting that the majority come from Mexico, Honduras, El Salvador and Guatemala. Why do my hard earned tax dollars go to support people who came here illegally. It is not fair to the hard work that I do everyday. I could use those tax dollars to help my own family.
Do I feel compassion for them? I suppose a little, but the families knew what they were doing when they came here illegally and if we reward breaking the law for some, it will only encourage more to come here illegally, knowing they will be rewarded as well.
What is the solution? Strong borders, taking care of our own citizens and when they are all taken care of, opening the borders to legal immigration. Our veterans deserve reward, our single parents deserve help, our poor deserve our social services before anyone illegal deserves them. But that just my opinion and we all have one.
Most of the information I wrote about came from reading this article. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/sep/04/donald-trump-what-is-daca-dreamers
We had to find a new restaurant to eat at this week as last week she decided she didn’t like Steak and Shake anymore. The disease changes her tastes quite often. I choose Smash Burgers. On the way there, she would exclaim “Oh, look it’s yellow you can go now” (She could tell the light turned green, but forgot the word for green) Then she would say thank you for the light turning. When she saw an airplane, she said, “oh, look an airport” and then preceded to clap for the airplane until she couldn’t see it anymore. She is slowly becoming an infant again. She probably has the reasoning ability of about a toddler as she is also losing the ability to tell when she needs to go to the bathroom. We walked in the restaurant and no one was at the register to take the order so in line with someone who has FTD, she yelled out “Someone help us, someone help us” I’m been very blessed that most people can tell right away that something is definitely wrong with mom and they are kind and gentle about it. The human race still has compassion, thank you Lord. She loved the food, but doesn’t remember how to wipe her hands or nose. It seems like every time we go out, her nose starts to run and I help her by wiping it for her. The burgers had sauce on them and when the sauce drips out, it drips on her hands and clothes and I try to wipe it up but she doesn’t like me to get between her and her food so many times it’s just impossible. When I tried to drop her off at her memory care home she decided she was coming home with me and went from worker to worker and resident to resident trying to get them to put the code in the door so she could leave with me. These are the hardest times, as I have to fight the guilt of should I do more and knowing I can’t. Sneaking out when she isn’t looking is something the staff helps me to do and I feel bad for the staff in having to redirect her after I leave. I know I am to honor my mother and I know I will be blessed for this here or in the hereafter.
This weekend I watched Ukraine on Fire, watched an hour long podcast of two people that I don’t agree with and got a copy of the book “Rules for Radicals”
Ukraine on Fire is difficult to watch, at least the online copies I could find. It is narrated in Russian or Ukraine and the subtitles are not extremely accurate. I hope to see it again in an English version as I felt that I wasn’t able to take in the vast amount of information as so much was lost during translation. It does appear that the CIA in the United States is heavily involved in a majority of the overthrown governments in the last 50 years or so.
Listening to people you disagree with allows you to understand where their views come from and to occasionally find a morsel of information that you do agree with. That is what developed when I finished a weekend challenge for a class I’m a part of. Sam Harris is an self proclaimed atheist and he has a pod cast and on one episode he had Fareed Zakaria on and during part of the podcast they discussed Islam and Muslims. It was fascinating to hear how they each view it and the similarities and differences of their experiences. I hope that I never forget to listen to the opposite side of view as myself as it is always educational to stop and re determine your own views as new information becomes available. If we would all take the time to listen to each other, we might not have as much turmoil in the United States.
I’m excited to finally be able to read “Rules for Radicals”. I’ve heard so much how the left has used it for their political agenda. I’d like to know for myself just how much of it seems to be true to their agenda.
Mom called tonight. Actually, she called twice today. I answer and say Hi Mom, she says “Hi Beverly, Debberly, Debbie Petersen” Yep, that is me mom, Debbie Petersen. Are you happy today? Yes, she says. Are you coming today. No, I say, not today. I came yesterday. Yes, she says… come today. I say that I can’t. More guilt. Some days are worse than others. Why did you put me in this position Lord? I’m tired. Your will be done, not mine. Take her home and make her whole again. But alas, your will be done not mine.
The left appears to think that Antifa is good because it’s anti-fascism. Fascism definition on Merriam Webster is a political philosophy, movement or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation and forcible suppression of opposition.
Being against fascism sounds good. So those on the left fighting against what they perceive as a fascist government should be good. But how to they think are government, our President, Senate, House, Supreme Courts are going to allow a dictatorship? Everything in our Constitution is against Dictators. Nothing is President Donald Trumps speeches has anything to do with being a dictatorship. He has increased our GDP, he has in creased our jobs. These are things that are good for everyone.
More research is needed to show where antifa is funded. As I’m sure it is George Soros but more research will be provided to prove it.
Since I have a blog, I guess I should start writing on it. Today’s as good a day as any.
Saturday’s, a favorite day of the week for many. Sleep in late, stay up late and the possibilities for the in between hours are limited only by your imagination and bank account. Is it a dream or reality, these Saturday’s?? I suppose it’s both. Our time is limited by commitments, family and/or friends. Our values try to determine where our precious time is divided.
My values have determined where my Saturday time is spent and honestly, I’m not always happy about it. My mom is sick. She has Frontal Lobe Dementia (FTD). I visit her on Saturdays as well as during the week, but on Saturday’s I take her out to eat. When I arrived she was in the living room and whispered to me “Do we need to take the brother?” With Frontal Lobe Dementia language is affected so she doesn’t use the correct words anymore and I can sometimes guess what she means but many times, I have no idea. We arrived at Steak ‘n Shake, her favorite for the last 3 weeks but I don’t know when that will change because her taste is greatly affected by her disease. They were busier than usual today so mom was a little agitated. I know this isn’t good. She wants to get up and find the people and help them get her food. I kneel at her chair, in front of her to keep her from getting up. I talk soothingly to her and am able to redirect her so she forgets what she wanted to get up for. Finally, they bring our food, I got a hot fudge brownie shake to share, bad choice. The hot fudge on top was too thick and she choked. Once I got some Coke to wash it down, on to the french fries and cheeseburger. And wouldn’t you know it, today is the day the taste buds have changed and she doesn’t like the french fries and only ate half the burger. Next week I have to find a new place to take her.
Now, back to the memory care home where she has lived since December. I cut her hair and get ready to leave and she decides she is leaving with me. She’s trying to get in my car and three of us had to redirect her and get her back in the home, behind the coded locked doors of safety. Now, I have to wait for an opportunity to sneak out the door as she is sitting at the door insisting she is leaving with me. After about 30 minutes, she decides to go look for one of her friends and the staff hurriedly lets me out.
Now, I’m back in my car trying to convince myself not to feel guilty. My mom has a disease that is eating away at the frontal lobe of her brain and she isn’t able to have compassion or empathy.
I’ll continue to write on this going back to when she showed up to live with me and how it finally got to dangerous and I had to move her into memory care.
If you need more information on this disease, please go to this website. http://www.theaftd.org/
There is nothing as calming to me as the roar of the ocean. It sets my soul in peace. One day I will live at the ocean, until then I will write.